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There's some hilarious stuff on the internet right now. Here are some gems I found over the past week:

"Why did the Celtics shell out $15 million for Brian Scalabrine and another $7.5 million for Dan Dickau?

Here's my guess: They thought my column was slipping and decided that I needed some new material. Well, mission accomplished. After Wednesday night's opening win against the Knicks, my Dad called to happily rehash the game, and we went over everything -- Delonte looked great, Pierce played hard, so did Mark Blount, maybe we can make the playoffs, and so on -- until the following depressing exchange:

-- Dad: "Did you see Scalabrine? Some of those plays he made ... I mean, it was awkward to watch. I felt awkward."

-- Me: "I know. Apparently he's a really good teammate though."

-- Dad (sarcastic pause): "Oh, well that changes everything." "

(Thanks to Bill Simmons at www.sportsguy.net)

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"Only if you don't count Top Gun."

-- Val Kilmer, in response to the question "is this the first time you've played a gay character [before Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang, currently playing]?"

(thanks again to Bill Simmons)


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"[S]ince I have nothing else to add ... watching football last Sunday with my friends, I brought up the topic, "What touchdown dance would cause the biggest possible fine?"

You would think it would be Adam Carolla's idea for the "Touchdown Poop," which I described two years ago -- basically, the guy scores a touchdown, then squats like he's on the bowl, stays there for a couple of seconds, turns the pages of an imaginary newspaper and finally "pushes" the ball between his legs. We figured that if Randy Moss did that, he would get suspended for a game and fined like $150,000. Plus, Joe Buck might start crying on the air.

But I think this one would be worse: "The Delivery." What if Moss scored a TD and immediately fell to the ground on his back, with his legs up in the air like a pregnant woman, and two receivers stood on either side "cheering him on," and Randy pretended he was pushing, and finally the QB leaned over him and "pulled" the football from Randy's loins, then held the football to his shoulder like a baby for a few seconds before Moss stood up, gingerly grabbed the "baby," cut an imaginary umbilical cord, then spiked the ball as hard as he possibly could? I think that would be like a three-game suspension and a $500,000 fine, right? Plus, Buck would be more distraught than Walter Cronkite after JFK's assassination. Let's hope and pray that Randy reads ESPN.com. "

(one more time: Bill Simmons, ladies and gentlemen)

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