prototype

A haiku dedicated to LaTroy Hawkins:

Up a run, he pours
g*dd*mn f****** gasoline
over everything

Edited because I'm posting from work.

Maybe the moon is made of cheese after all.

Let's take a few moments to discuss Sammy Sosa's catch in the 8th inning of last night's 1-0 Cubs victory over the Pirates, because it was truly a remarkable catch.

The Cubs have a lot more baseball to play, and this catch could wind up as nothing but an afterthought if they fail--as they well may--to reach this year's postseason. But if they somehow manage to win the NL wild card, this catch will become legend: The One Where Sammy Saved the Season.

Let's be frank: it was probably the most unexpected catch anyone has ever seen. Sammy has been slowing down for years, and his range in right is roughly the size of my cube at work. The ball was hit to shallow right-center, and I really expected Corey Patterson to have a play on the ball if anyone was going to have a play on it.

I initially heard the play on radio, and Pat Hughes made it sound like Sammy had at least an outside shot at it the whole time. I ran to the downstairs TV, though, after he exclaimed "That's the best play I've ever seen Sammy make," and sure enough that statement is totally accurate. There is no fucking way was the thought that sprang immediately to mind after seeing ball hit bat on the replay. It was not a cheap catch by any means. Not like those catches that Alou makes and everybody applauds for when really they should be cursing him for being so damn slow he makes easy plays look hard. No. This was a legitimately difficult play, on which Sammy got a great jump, appeared to be moving faster than I've seen him move in years, and took a great dive without regard for his body. The sweet play was made even sweeter when the camera cut to a joyful Carlos Zambrano jumping for joy in the dugout. I've been waiting for these guys to play balls out. Finally! They're still dead to me.

Fantasy Football has again become the bane of my girlfriend's existence, and so I present you with the 2004 version of L-Bard Fantasy Football's "The Pony:"

QB: Tom Brady
RB: Jamal Lewis, Marshall Faulk, Quentin Griffin
WR: Darrell Jackson, Deion Branch, Terry Glenn, Michael Clayton, Anquan Boldin (IR)
TE: Todd Heap
K: who cares
DST: Seahawks

It's a decent lineup, although I may be this year's recipient of the "I can't believe you drafted a soon-to-be-convicted felon and a 95 year old man as your two starting running backs" award, AKA the Fred Taylor Memorial.

More to the point, it's a consistent lineup, one for which I have strived oh these many years.

Now I need to start getting upset about the Cubs, who appear headed down Trouble Road after 4 reverse-perfect innings against Oliver Perez.

Neifi Perez just hit a home run, followed by a Moises Alou triple to the ivy.

"And then the sun became as black as sack cloth, and the moon became as blood. The seas boiled and the skies fell. Judgment day."

I agree with Bill Jagnow on this one: Chris Rix sucks about as bad as a well-known quarterback at a major football university could possibly suck. I can't believe he's been starting at FSU for the past 4 years! This guy's got zero poise, a shitty arm, a ten-cent head, and a terrible delivery. It was his delivery that really blew my mind last night: I don't know if he thinks he's Bernie Kosar (hint: he is not), but he threw literally every pass with this little sidearm sling motion, displaying absolutely no command of his throws. It's a remarkably, astoundingly shitty delivery. For a 5th year senior, no less. Must have been disappointing to FSU alums.

On the other hand, the Cubs, who remain dead to me, managed to come from behind and win against a quality Marlins bullpen this afternoon. They were down 2-1 when I accidentally rolled past the game on WGN, but then Neifi Perez got a hit and advanced to 2nd on a throwing error. And then Sammy knocked him in with a single. And then the Cubs got 3 more RBI in the same inning without hitting a home run! A 2-rally inning! Amazing.

That all paled in comparison to what happened next, however: in the top of the 9th, charged with protecting a fresh lead, in the kind of situation that usually causes him to implode, LaGascan Hawkins struck out the side on nine pitches. I have never seen that happen before, and I believe it's exceedingly rare in the annals of baseball history. I don't believe in omens, but perhaps that was an omen. Nine pitches!

The much-anticipated TOTFBFFWBT did not come to pass this past Sunday, but a mini round-robin tournament was held in its place. Rick and I entered this two-on-two wiffleball extravaganza as the Mooninites, and the day was quite a success for us: we won all three games we played by a combined total of 33-0. Rick pitched the first two games and gave up 2 hits combined, walking none. I came in to face an all-righthanded team in the third game and fared pretty well, allowing 2 hits and 2BB over 4 complete shutout innings. I had the slider (and a few other pitches) working for the first 2 innings, but then I lost the grip on it and had to resort to my curve for long stretches of the last 2. It worked out OK.

I am not sure that Rick would lose more than a few games even if he played 1-on-2. Our game is biased heavily in the pitcher's favor, and Rick is simply the best wiffleball pitcher that anyone has ever seen. It's taken me literally hundreds of at-bats to even simulate competently hitting against him, and 3 of his 4 opposing batters Sunday had never before faced him. So they had no chance. To have a chance, you'd probably need a team that looked something like this:

2 players, both of whom pitch lefty and bat righty. Both are fast and can field anything in the vicinity. One player has to be a dominant pitcher. The other should probably be able to call in airstrikes at will or bleed from his eyes on command.

I do not know of a current team that looks like this. I'd like to see a game between Rick and a team of Carlos Zambrano and Bill Jagnow, though. If only for the comedic value.